My dad used to have a Gary Larson cartoon, of a man and his dog. The man is jabbering away to the dog, and the speech bubble about the dogs head is just full of squiggles and stars. The caption of the cartoon was what we say and what they hear. I feel a bit like that. A lot of the time.
The kids, especially FT seem to suffer from selective deafness. I have been led to believe this is natural. So, in a given conversation i might say it is time for dinner, turn off the tv. All they hear is TV dinner. How does that work!? Or can you get out of bed please, it is time to get up, and they hear the get your lazy ass out of your pit and get to it NOW. Which isnt what i said at all. Interestingly though. If i say come on, we are going for a walk, and we might get some ice cream..all they hear is ICE CREAM. Totally bypassing anything else.....of course, the solution to that one is to make them walk miles for said ice cream. But that does have an annoying habit of backfiring.
No, the deafness i refer to is more profound. It is the one where you sit in the car, and in a break in general arguing ans shouting i make a comment. There is a further pregnant pause, and the screaming carries on. Maybe i imagined i said it? Did i just say it in my head or did i mouth the words and nothing came out? Sometimes this happens with trivial things, like asking someone to put a cup in the dishwasher, instead of next to it, but other times it can be important stuff. Stuff that means something.
Today is the anniversary of mummy's death. She died 29 years ago. How many lifetimes have passed by, with no one noticing? How many tears have i shed, in the intervening years since she passed away, and how many have been wiped away, with a proffered tissue, by a loving hand? The sad truth is very few. And so, i spend another lonely day, musing to myself about how i am a special and valued person. When in fact i feel like i am standing on one side of a sheet of sound proofed glass......screaming and begging for someone to hear what i am saying..but all they hear is a series of squiggles and stars.